where am i now?

i am here alone in my room and its been two days since i saw the busy streets.. i am just tired though I’m not doing anything tiring.. i have lots of work to do but i am not even taking a glance at it..the moment i sit on my PC.. i lost all the words and ideas that are juggling in my mind…i have planned to scan the pile of papers on my table but i ended up doing nothing… holly crap… what’s wrong with me..

two hours ago, before i took my afternoon nap, (coz its raining and its pretty good to sleep) the solace of the place i am in made me ponder and assess my life.. i hate doing it but i cant help it.. it just seems that at that moment.. it was the perfect thing to do…thus, questions such as what the hell am i doing here? what is my purpose in life? have i wasted my skills, my ability and my being? may i failed to maximize my capacity as a person? where am i heading?

living alone in this crazy city wherein all i have to do is take every possible opportunity there is, somehow redirected my life, my dreams and my desires in life…back then, i thought that life is so well-designed and that no hardships are in store for me. but then again, living alone for almost three years made me realize that what i believed then was wrong..

the fact is, i am struggling..to the extent that i get so numb and i don’t want to do anything about it…so, right now im LOST..lost that i can even hardly breath..i love to cry but i am so consumed to cry..i feel that i am left with no one but the deafening corners of the four walls and my grief itself.. and it just seems that the world is just watching at me and waiting for me to breakdown and be torn….and laugh loud at me..

but i know..in this melodramatic and defining moment of my life, there are persons waiting for me.. willing to share the warmth of their embraces.. willing to accept me without even asking questions..will never leave me to bleed to death.. will never despise me..it just a matter of deciding when will i unburden myself to them… when will i share my heart with them…

but for now… i still want to portray the INDEPENDENT me… and besides…

i am still comfortable of wearing this self-made mask..

hayzz… i was once a happy girl…